Oblivion
by Caitlynnn
Summary: Eli Goldsworthy feels as though he has no direction or sense of purpose in life, a junior in college he feels as though he's been completely burnt out. Not being able to handle staying in his dorm any longer, he ventures out and meets a complete stranger. They take on NYC forever and enjoy their small little infinite, and decide the biggest question of all: where do I go from here?


**It has been what feels like a century since I posted something on this website. Earlier I was going through some old journals and I wrote so many small things for Eli Goldsworthy and all of those feelings had come back since he was first introduced on the show. Now, let me make something clear, I haven't watched the show since maybe 2013. Things got in the way and to be honest my interest was lost. I had been an avid watcher since back in the day, but there comes a point in someone's life where the things that used to appeal to you suddenly don't anymore. That was it for me. I'm a sophomore in college now, (shit I feel super old even though I know I'm not just saying that really puts things into perspective for me) and my life has changed drastically since I posted my first story and finished one of my first stories on here (Insomnia) **

**I have learned that writing chapter stories is not my thing. My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations; I have messy thoughts, I cannot condone them into chapters I just can do short (but actually really long) stories. I have NO idea what is going on in Degrassi. This is purely all AU because I have not kept up. But I missed Eli and being in his head, (the Eli I knew and grew into with writing, that is, I sort of created my own version of him with my writing skills. I missed it.) so I wanted to write something. Perhaps this will be my parting gift in a way with this website. I never really did get to say a proper goodbye. **

**This is for Avalee who inspired me to write something again. We've known each other for a long time. This is the site we met on; this is where we found a common ground. I'm so grateful for her friendship. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

There comes a time in someone's life where they just have to sit back and think of what the hell they're doing with it. Like, what direction they're going, why did they bomb this test, that test, and why didn't they ask that one girl out who seemed to have similar interests? Why did I break that person's heart that night, and why didn't I go to that one party that everyone seemed to be talking about? Why didn't I fucking study more? All of these things were something that Eli often thought about in his dorm room.

It was Saturday night, and in his mind, the worst day of the week. If he was being honest, his favourite day of the week was actually Thursday. There was something about the fact that it was the day before Friday, and so far away from Monday. Like, Thursday was the day that just made him feel good. When he was sitting down and studying for a test, he would be thinking about giving up, and then he realized that it was Thursday, there was only hours before it would be Friday and then Friday there would be some sort of freedom. That was his favourite thing. He hated Saturday because you were just stuck in boredom all day, and Eli was the kind of person that needed to constantly be doing something. Whether it was walking somewhere, or driving somewhere. But all of his friends had left for this party and he really didn't have the goddamn motivation to go. He didn't want to have to shower or actually find a decent pair of pants that didn't have the rip in the knee. He just didn't have it in him. He was stuck with so much apathy he just could not be assed to do anything.

He needed to do something. He couldn't just wallow away in his dorm room and do nothing. He was in a city that was always moving so why was it that he wasn't? He shook his head as he grabbed a pair of pants, which were, yes, ripped. He didn't care. He wasn't trying to impress anybody anymore. He learned that the hard way. Trying to impress people was just a fucking stupid thing in the first place. Either way people will hate you or they love you and dressing a certain way shouldn't improve or disapprove that. He grabbed a shirt, too, from his drawer and then grabbed his messenger bag, which happened to be under the bed. When things got bad for Eli, in the head, he started to hoard a little bit. He wasn't in danger zone or anything, but you could always tell when it was getting to be a bit too much for him, because there would be wrappers of things he didn't need and receipts of places he went and ate at, and cups that he drank out of. No, he wasn't in danger zone, but he still knew he needed to be careful.

Walking past the people in the hall, some said hello, he barely nodded his head, and then he was out of the school and onto the main pavement. NYU was beautiful, the people were interesting as was the city, and just stepping out of the school and onto the "real world" he felt alive already. Maybe it was cliché; but when you're stuck in that damn dorm room for hours on end, it was nice to see people around you. He wanted to be connected with the world without actually being connected with the people. He just wanted to see them – not know them.

He would be graduating next year, he could not believe that he had been here for this long and was not dead. Perhaps that was sad logic, but it was true; he didn't think that he would have made it this far and not have died somewhere in between. It was hard to live. He didn't like being dependent on pills like he was everyday, some days he didn't take them, and in a way he felt the most free, but people hated him on those days. It put things in perspective for him, not being on his pills, maybe that was his true self. They were fake friends all along. He knew that wasn't true; his friends had his best interest encouraging him to take his pills, and be the person he was meant to be. But sometimes it was hard; he was a man that hated depending on things, even if that thing could save his life.

The sun was set behind the tall buildings and eventually the only light would be of the city, but even that, that would be okay. It gave him enough light to get him back home. He didn't plan on coming back any time soon he just needed to walk for a while and think and live and breathe. He just needed to be Eli for a few moments before he had to go back to his school life and the things that caused him a lot of stress and anxiety.

Walking towards a convenient store he walked in, the bell dinged and he went to the back and grabbed a coffee cup, filling it close to the rim before pouring cream and putting sugar in the cup. Waiting in line, he looked at the packets of cigarettes behind the lady and he grabbed his driver's license and cash from his pocket, and when it was his turn he asked for a pack of camels and then proceeded out of the convenient store and back into the big crowds of people. Putting a cigarette in his mouth he put his things back and dug for his lighter and lit his cigarette. He picked up the terrible habit from his roommate, he chained smoked in the dorms even though he wasn't supposed to, but he did it anyways and Eli every now and then smoked cigarettes too when he was feeling anxious.

He laughed at the thought of him smoking cigarettes back when he was at Degrassi, if Clare had found out she would have done everything in her might to stop him. That was one of the things he loved about Clare, no matter what, she tried to save people, even when they didn't deserve it. He missed her, if he was being honest, but it had been a long time since he thought about her. He had figured that at some point she would have grown tired trying for someone who could not be tried for. That's how he thought about himself at least. People stopped trying for him because he stopped trying for them. He knew that it was a shitty thing to do, but there comes a point in time where you just have to stop trying fight what was happening and let it happen. They fizzled because they were different people; she _was_ going to go far in life while Eli was struggling to get through day by day. She would have done things with her life and he didn't want to hold her back. They had still text messaged each other for a while, every now and then, on holidays and birthdays but they didn't really keep in touch much. Every now and then he would read old things from his notebooks, love letter drafts that he was going to send to Clare but never got around to.

Though just because they were different people didn't mean that there wasn't any love between them anymore. They still would probably always love each other, but there was now a wedge between the two. And he knew that there always would be. Eli had been changed because of college, and Clare was different because of high school. They were different and that was okay. They tried to make it work but these times were hard to try and make a difference in a relationship that was going nowhere. They had met up, for the last time, and they talked about stuff from their past. They held hands in central park, they went to Time Square, and he wrapped his arm around her when they went through some alleyways. They talked and walked until dawn broke across the sky. Laughing and smiling and remembering, and that was a good way to end. They handed things back to each other that they had no use for. And that was a good break up, to Eli, and he would forever be grateful for it.

About a year ago, Clare had gotten the cancer back, and the cancer came back with vengeance as it always did. For a few months, she was going fine; the treatments were working when suddenly they weren't. The death was so unexpected and it happened all too quickly, no one was prepared for her death but she passed away. The cancer had finally had enough and it just took her. It was one of the hardest days for Eli and he knows that was the reason why he was so apathetic towards everything because he felt as though a part of him had died with Clare. He went to the funeral and he spoke about their love and how nothing would compare to it and he knew that it was true but he felt like such a tool for saying it at her funeral in front of people who knew that they had fallen apart. It wasn't that great being known as the ex boyfriend with a dead girlfriend. He felt like such an asshole knowing that they were over with and she was dead. But Eli of all people knew that it was possible to live with pain even after death. He had experienced it before, after all. Julia, Cam, Adam and now Clare. He had a body count.

He knew that people would never understand but he was attached to the sadness.

Walking down the streets he knew so well that was crowded with people he never felt so alone. He knew that this would happen as it always did. The feeling of being so completely small in such a huge place, surrounded by people who don't know anything about you, much less give an actual shit if you died or not. Oblivion was something he was terrified of. He used to think he was okay with it—but after Clare's death he realized just how much he was scared of it. He did not want to die without leaving a mark on this world. Clare would be forgotten by him and by others around him; she was like a scar in a way, something that was there, because there was evidence, a dark mark on your body, but you get used to it because its always there, and it blends right in after a while; you become accustomed to it. That would be Clare. Just like how Julia Cam, and Adam were for him. Scars. And that was the reason why he wanted to leave more than just a mark, he wanted to leave a legend, and he knew that it wouldn't happen, but he could dream. That's what New York was all about. It was filled with dreamers like himself. They all wanted to be bigger and better than what the city had to offer.

"Hello?" he did not realize that someone was standing in front of him, waving their hand in front of him until, they actually touched him. Sometimes he got like that, he spaced out for no reason. "Sorry," he replied shortly, moving out of the way. The blonde shook her head. "No, I was—I was wondering if I could borrow your lighter," she said pointing down at the cigarette that he so badly needed to flick the ash off of.

"Right," he said with a small laugh before he dug in his pocket for his lighter handing it to the girl before she nodded her head. "Thanks," He watched her put the killing thing in her mouth, and watched as she lit it, clearly enhanced by it for some reason. There really was nothing like watching someone lights their cigarette; for some reason, Eli was fascinated by it. When she handed him back the lighter he nodded his head, taking a drag of the cigarette before pointing upward and blowing the smoke out, watching as the cloud disappeared into thin air. Oblivion. That is exactly what it looked like. He shook his head laughing a bit.

"What?" the girl said, she was still there staring up at the great big nothing. They were both staring at nothing. He laughed again. "Did you see that smoke I blew out?" She shook her head and he nodded his. "That's the point," he said for a moment before running a hand through his hair. "What's the point?" She asked, leaning her head to one side to look at this peculiar boy, a small curious smile on her face. She clearly had nowhere else to go and he had nowhere else to be it was perfect.

"I was thinking about oblivion a while ago, and I was comparing it to that smoke I just blew out – the smoke you did not get to see, unfortunately—and I thought that's exactly what it looks like." He said with a small shrug, and she did not say anything for a moment.

"Christ, that was deep." She finally replied before nodding her head for him to follow her. Why he decided to follow her, he had no idea. But he did, just for the sake of it. They walked down the busy streets, no real direction but that was the best part. "I would love to comment about this whole oblivion ordeal but I'm afraid I am not smart enough to give an actual solid answer. I've never really thought too much about oblivion, but I like hearing you talk about it." The girl replied with a small smile.

"It's terrible, honestly, I sound like I'm straight out of a pretentious novel," he chuckled before taking another drag, flicking the ash before he kicked a small rock. "Just don't pull any Fitzgerald or Thacker on me and we'll be gravy," she said with a small wink taking a drag of her own cigarette before flicking of her own ash. They had a thing going on now, like a routine in a way even though they just met and Eli enjoyed having that, he liked order on his own terms.

"So, what's your story?" Eli wondered, raising an eyebrow, he kicked a rock towards her and she kicked it back. The sun was no more and the moon was slowly rising above the beautiful city. The wind was becoming more noticeable and for some reason it was like the city got louder, everyone here was nocturnal. He enjoyed it, he felt like he was among his people in a way. She blew out some smoke before she thought. "My story, huh?" she had a small knowing smile on her face before she thought of something. She pursued her lips for a bit before looking at him, and then had a quizzical look. "To tell the truth or not tell the truth, that is the question,"

He shrugged, "It's your call. Just know, if you make something up, it better be good and original, I refuse to write about a shitty person with a shitty background to match," he laughed and then she did, too.

"Honesty is the best policy in my book. I don't like liars, even though I am a liar by nature." She thought for a moment. "Well, my parents were something else. Father was a lawyer; mother was something of a hippie. We were an interesting family. But, uh, one night they just kind of up and left and dropped me off at my grandma's house. I don't remember much of them other than some small memories. I had some serious abandonment issues like every teen has; honestly, it's just something we all go through. Rebelled, and then picked up my pieces from off the floor and decided to do something with my life. I packed my bags from Grammies house. For a while I lived on the streets but then I found this group who needed a bass player in this shitty band, and now I get paid – sometimes – but, I figured, I'm doing something I love so its not that bad." She laughed before looking at him and then added, "I'm Sage, by the way. I did forget to say my name."

Instead of shaking hands, they tossed their cigarettes and put two new ones in their mouths and helped each other light them. "Eli," he said, with a small nod. "That's—quite an interesting story," he smirked a little. "I might consider putting you in my life story," He joked. What he liked is that she did not ask him for his life story. It was a nice change, he felt like he did all the talking when it came to moments like these.

"So what brings you out here?" They had eventually made it to Central Park, they found a nice place on the grass and Sage had a bag with her; too, she took a bottle of vodka out and then put it between them. "No, I don't normally carry a bottle of vodka with me, I was going to a party, like a house welcoming party, and I didn't know what to bring—so I was like, let's bring a bottle of vodka, everyone loves vodka. But I figured I'd actually drink the bottle before I got to this house welcoming," She shrugged her shoulders opening up the bottle and then taking a decent gulp before handing it to him. She didn't even flinch.

He grabbed the neck of the bottle and then tilted it; he took a gulp and then put it back between them. The burn went down his throat and to his belly and he smiled softly before grabbing the bottle again and going for seconds as she did, too. For a while they drank.

"What are you really running away from?" he whispered to her as they both laid down on the grass staring at the stars, even though they were a little hard to see. She laughed softly, feeling the alcohol take its effect. She felt time start to slow down; her thoughts were a little polluted, she felt immediately heavier. "My parents—they... they're the one's hosting the welcoming party. They don't know that I planned on going. I didn't even know they still lived in New York. I kind of found out from my Grandma. She tried hiding it from me, but I eventually found out. I figured if I got piss drunk I could handle seeing them again. Only to find out I can't handle seeing them at all. If I drink anymore I'll probably pass out soon," she said with a small yawn. "What about you, mysterious little Eli?" her hand had reached for his and he took it, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Ghosts," he replied, "ghosts and life."

He sat up for a moment to take another drink of the alcohol before slowly getting back into his position, taking her hand again. Never underestimate the power of human touch. He sighed a bit before turning to kind of look at her. "I have a lot of ghosts," In his closet, under his bed, in his bed, on his dresser, on the windowsill, everywhere he looked in his room, it was a simple reminder that he once before lost control and could easily lose control again.

"Sometimes I think everything I touch I kill," he replied softly, a small but hurting smile displayed on his face. He wanted to laugh at the statement, he felt like he was telling this to his mother not too long ago. After the funeral for Clare he felt like he was her cancer, he gave it back to her and he couldn't save her. She died with a broken heart and that wasn't fair. He wished that he could have told her how much he loved her, because he did love her, he didn't stop loving her, and the only reason he didn't want to date her because he felt like he was holding her back, when in reality, they weren't holding each other back, not if they really worked at it, but Eli was naive and he didn't see it. And that was the problem with death; you don't realize things in a full perspective until the person was gone. And he thought that he'd get used to that feeling but he wasn't. Each death had taken a part of Eli forever and he was being chipped off so much that it was almost unbearable. He did not feel like a whole person. **Everyone left.** Adam was gone, Clare was gone, Julia was gone, and Cam...

"I found a kid's body once," he whispered, he didn't know if she replied to him before, he was too lost in his thoughts. "he just... offed himself. He apparently did not think the risk to live was worth it... sad thing is, I don't blame him. I mean, I think we've all thought about it once," The most sober of thoughts often came from drunken nights.

"I knew my friend was hurting and I didn't exactly stop her from hurting, if anything I think I was the one who instigated her hurting more... mostly because I could, because I felt powerful. That makes me a bad person, doesn't it? We don't talk anymore." Sage whispered back before getting up and taking another drink of the bottle. She had looked down at how much they drank and it was almost all gone. She shook her head, going back to her position, feeling like a huge weight had been put back on her chest, and it wasn't just the alcohol. This was the first time that she had opened up to someone about this. She felt like such a shitty person to do that to her friend, but she didn't know how to be a_ good _friend, she didn't have very many in the first place.

"I know how you feel, actually," he replied, looking up at the stars and then nodding his head off in a doze, almost. Closing his eyes he allowed himself to feel everything he had been repressing: guilt. It was a terrible feeling, and he knew that he would feel it for the rest of his life. Whenever he visited his parents he would see it in their eyes, and he knew that he was the Alpha and Omega of their suffering. He would always be hurting them, and one day, there would come a time when Eli snapped and he would snap them too; like a grenade. And that wasn't fair to them.

"Lately I've been thinking about what's going to happen when I die," He wasn't sure why he was spilling these secrets to the girl, she was there, she understood, she was different, and she didn't seem to be judging him after the finding the body comment, and that's all he needed – perhaps, something people needed – a friend, someone who didn't really know them, that would just listen instead of trying to figure the problem out and just letting them hurt and wallow in the self pity, but at least they didn't have to do it alone. Sometimes what people needed was other people to know that they were hurting.

"I've had so many people in my life just... just die, and I remember each death so vividly but some of them- - sometimes I just forget. And that's a shitty thing to do, you know? Forgetting someone who gave you so much to remember. I fucked up bigger and better than anyone; I have burned all the bridges I have crossed only to find myself in a fucking river trying to go back to the other side which I just came from. It's a circle; I build and then I destroy and repeat the process. I'm so tired of it."

Sage had shot back up and then she looked down at him. "Eli, we're going somewhere. We are not about to lay down here and talk about life like this. We are not the boxes that the goddamn gift came in; we are the fucking Sunday best. Let's go. I'm taking you to two of my favourite places in this city, and you're going to shut the fuck up and not be a little bitch about it. You want adventure? I'll give it to you." She had gotten up, a little bit wobbly, but she put the bottle back in her bag and then grabbed her water bottle taking a long drink from it before tossing it to him, to take a drink, too. He had a head rush from getting up too fast but he took the water graciously. He smirked a little though, as she offered his hand, he took it and then nodded his head, taking her hand.

They took a taxi to the Brooklyn Bridge, when they got out, she had dragged him to the small space they had that they could walk. "When I was homeless, I can't even begin to tell you how many times I came across the bridge, back and forth, back and forth, you would think it would get boring, but how could it when you're surrounded by traffic of people entering and leaving and, I mean, Jesus, look at that view! Look at Eli! Nothing has ever looked like that ever in all of human history!" She was jumping up and down and Eli had to admit, the view was beautiful. The whole city, really, from afar, that is. But the more you got close the more ugly it actually was; it was impossible for a thing to be truly beautiful inside and out. It just wasn't right. He wrapped an arm around her and nodded his head. "It's something else," he admitted. She looked up at him now and then smiled a little.

"We could jump right now Eli. You got a body count and I got shitty parents. But you know what? We're not gonna. We could. But we're not. We just made the biggest decision of our life right now. I'm proud of us." She had grabbed change from her pocket and then she threw it over the ledge before she yelled, raising her hands in the hair, feeling the wind through her hair, her eyes were closed, and she looked so free and all Eli could do was stare at the girl as she yelled into the night, howling at the only moon they would ever have. And he thought that this was a beautiful moment that he would keep with him and it would soon become a scar and he knew that oblivion was inevitable but as long as we enjoy the moment you're in now it can't be too bad.

They would make it out alive.

"Do it with me." She tugged on his hand. He thought for a moment, back to that one moment on that one bench with Clare, when she yelled at for the world to hear her. He had mocked her but really he was admiring her. Admiring that she actually did it. Now, it was his turn to yell back at her and maybe she would hear him. Eli had sworn that he was an Atheist, he did not believe in anything, maybe he even hated God himself, but then he began to think: how could he hate someone that did not exist? Why was there hate anyways? His life had been a pair of shitty cards after another pair of shitty cards, and what Clare believed that there was more to life than just this, he wanted to believe that, too. He needed something. And that's what he believed in: Something.

He had grabbed the railing and then he threw his head back and he yelled out into the oblivion, shouting at it as if it were his last moment on earth. Sage laughed and he allowed himself to do it again. He was letting himself go. These kind of moments were rare and once in a blue moon. They are the moments that you treasure with you and you wished you could record so you could always go back to it when you're feeling a little bit small. Eli wished he could have recorded this moment but he knew that it would never do it justice. When you're young everything feels like it's the end of the world, and sometimes now, that he was older, it still felt like the end of the world at times. But that was the thing with feelings, he used to not want them, he used to want to shut them off and just be someone who resembled... well, a rock. And that would be easy and good enough for him but it wasn't that he wanted to not feel – he just wished he knew how to handle the emotions that he was given. The creator of the universe did not create all of this for him to think and feel for nothing. He was letting it down by trying to shut it off.

Sage grabbed his hand again and then they started to walk. There was a park sort of by the bridge and there was a certain bench that she wanted to go to. Eventually after a bit of walking they had finally arrived at the magical bench and she sat down, putting her legs up and then resting her chin on her knees as she looked at Eli who was busy looking at the bridge, the water by the railing and then the city behind it. They were straight of a movie, almost. It was late at night, they were still a little buzzed from the alcohol but they were alive. They were both twenty-something year olds having the time of their life and they wanted others to know that they were. That was the whole point of this trip, wasn't it? What will you be after the journey ends? He had admired this aspect, and he nodded his head. It was just a confirmation for himself.

"Beautiful, huh?" she whispered quietly, not wanting to destroy his moment, but wanting to talk because she liked to talk and she liked that he was enjoying the bench with her. It was one of the benches she slept on when she was homeless, and she thought that there was so much freedom in that. Not sure why, exactly, but for the first time in her life she could go anywhere and be anything she ever wanted to be, and she chose to sit at this specific bench. He gulped a little and then nodded his head. "Thank you for taking me on your little adventure." He replied to her, grabbing her hand for the last time, giving it a squeeze. "I don't know what I was going to do after that convenient store, honestly. I just wanted a pack of cigarettes," He chuckled, taking one out and handing it to her with the lighter. She took it and stuck it between her lips.

"By avoiding my problems, I somehow helped to solve yours. It's a win/win." She shrugged with a small smirk handing him back his pack and he lit his own with a small nod. "Yeah, but I think you figured your problem out a long time ago. It's just acting out on it that you're scared of." He observed and then blew the smoke out and watched it as it came. And then, slowly, disappeared. "I watched it that time." She blew a smoke out herself and he watched it, disappear too.

Eli and Sage sat there at that bench until Sage eventually fell asleep, her head against his shoulder. He sat there and he thought. He was twenty-one years old and he often was so burnt out with everything going on around him. He had experienced enough pain in his life and he knew that after this he would have to deal with more pain. He had a test on Monday that he needed to pass, and then after that he would be on his summer break. He would come back the next year and he would be a senior. That was scary. He wasn't in high school anymore, he didn't talk to the people he went to high school with. He didn't think that they wanted to talk to him anyways, but they all grew up. And that was the sad fact, they all grew up. They were no longer the juniors and seniors that they used to be. They were no longer crying over the fact that the one boy didn't notice them in their history class, they were no longer thinking of what they would wear the next morning because the clothes they had were already picked out ahead of time (maybe for not all of them), they were no longer getting rides with friends to school and being dropped off at the drop off. They were no longer staying up late for high school exams, but now college exams. They were no longer obligated to do homework or show up to class, they could now choose to fuck up their own life. They were no longer kids anymore. They all had to grow up at some point, and all those promises they made at their senior graduation were fake. No one kept in contact anymore because after circumstances like death you begin to think that maybe it's like a plague and maybe it'll spread around; but the fact was, _**people grew up.**_

All of Eli's best friends were dead. Even though his roommate was his best friend that did not mean it made things easier. He knew that it was bound to happen. You meet new people and make new best friends and new memories but you don't forget the old ones. When it comes down to it, it's just things are always happening and changing and if you don't learn to deal with it you will never grow as a person. He was grateful for the memories in high school that he got, all the times he fucked up and all the times he missed that one test or forgot to call Clare or tell Adam he couldn't pick him up, it was all little tiny scars on his body because everyone was fragmented into his skin; they were all fragments of each other, coming together and woven into each other. Every person you come in contact with they have a part of you and it's so human and beautiful and most of the time people don't even notice.

It had been a long time since he came to terms with all of the deaths that he had come across. But he knew that it was possible to live with pain even after death. It was always possible. Dawn was breaking across the sky and Sage was still asleep. She never did make it to the welcoming party. Maybe it wasn't her time, he thought to himself. Maybe she needed this just as much as he did. He had come to terms with that, last night, they both needed each other for a night. Someone who could be an anchor to bring them back if they gone too far, and that was Sage for Eli. And it all started because of a simple pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

"_And all of the deaths we could have chose, this is the one that we have chosen,"_ he whispered to himself and Sage started to stir in his arms. He had looked at his phone and saw that it was five in the morning. She had gotten up and looked at her surroundings and then looked at Eli and then she sat up, running a hand through her blonde hair before taking the vodka bottle out and taking a drink of it. "Its five o'clock," she simply said as she took another swig finishing off the bottle before putting it down behind her feet. The city did not change much, cars were coming on and off the bridge just like they did hours before though the only difference now you could actually see almost everything. Though it was still tinted, just a tiny bit dark. "Thank you for letting me sleep... it's been a while since I actually allowed myself to sleep all the way through without waking up... screaming." She said with a small smile. It made sense to Eli; the friend she was talking about had killed herself too. That's why they weren't friends and they stopped talking.

"Do you think about her as much as I think about them?" He did not look at her but he was looking out at the water. She nods her head. "Every night before I go to sleep." She whispers back, afraid that the ghosts will hear them. "But last night proved that I could live through it." She squeezed his hand one last time before letting go. "I need to see my parents," she finally said, and Eli could have sworn that she was about to cry. And he felt it, too. It had been bubbling up inside of him but instead of crying, he closed his eyes and let himself breath in and breathe out for a moment. He was taking it all in.

"What are _you_ going to do, Eli?" That was the biggest question of them all.

"I don't know yet... but I'll figure it out soon. I just want to appreciate right now. I can't think too far ahead, I won't allow it. I just... I just want to appreciate _now."_

They both got up after a long time of silence. And when they looked at each other they felt a bolt of electricity run through both of them. He had pulled her in for the hug first, wrapping his arms around her tight, holding her like a lover instead of a stranger. She was no longer a stranger to him. They had known each other for hours but after all the things they went through they were no longer strangers. They had nothing set in stone but they were them and they were beautiful.

"Eli, I can honestly say that I will not forget this night. I wish I could have given you a true and honest answer about oblivion but I don't think I'll ever have an answer for it, and I don't think you will, either. But I hope you die trying to find one. We all need something to die for, right?" With a gentle squeeze she had grabbed her stuff and then nodded her head as she walked away from him. He had no idea where she was going, and he wasn't going to follow her. He was done chasing ghosts for now.

He took a taxi back to NYU, the ride there it was quiet and he was missing Sage's presence. It was like they had spent weeks together and they were so used to each other's presence and in a way he felt somewhat homesick without her there. And he realized that it wasn't the place that made the person, it was the people that made the person who they were. No matter what that would always ring true. He watched as the city went past him, and he watched, as people were getting ready to go to work or were already at work. He rolled the window down and let the cold fresh air in and thought about Julia, Cam, Adam and Clare, he thought of how long he tried to chase after them when they didn't want to be chased, they were already there with him. He thought of how much he had let them down, but in reality, he didn't let them down, he let himself down and used them as a cover up for all the pain he felt. He had excuses upon excuses for every broken bone, but in the end he broke them all himself just to give the pain a home. And he knew he had to stop doing that if ever wanted to fully heal. And when he thought about them instead of grimacing in pain, he held a small smile, because the memories he thought of now, were good one's. He might have attracted death, but he had learned that death was just part of every day life and it'll happen to people numerous times but that did not mean it was a bad life.

He knew that he would have to go to school, finish his last year of college, and he would succeed because this time he believed he would. And whenever he felt burnt out he would have to remind himself that it's okay to feel a little burnt but that didn't mean he was completely in ashes; he would remind himself that he was like the phoenix, he would rise from it. And as long as he had that he could go far. This wasn't a cliché, maybe it was, but there was some truths behind them. He was not irreparably broken, he was young, and he still had so much ahead of them. As long as he tried after he got broken down, that was all that mattered. When the car stops he pays the man and then heads back to his dorm room that he knew so well and his roommate that he grew up with during his college years, they would have only one more year left before they either went their separate ways or maybe they would know each other even after. He didn't know. But that was the thing about the future: it had endless possibilities.

All he needed was one.

**Tadah. **

**It's been a pleasure, FanFiction. **

**And I get to say this one last time: **

**Review?**


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